Having no voice for the last three days is really bringing some shit up for me. As I sit in forced quiet reflection, with the gorgeous Seattle sun shining in my bedroom window, I feel a vibration. One that I've never felt as strongly before. It's a realization that my livelihood is based on me being able to speak, and connect with people. My demeanor has always categorized me as an introvert, someone that gets energized by spending time with themselves. I believe I will always have those tendencies and I believe it's an important way of being. However, the vibration that I've recently been tapping into is one that I enjoy sharing with others. Conversations with each other. Sharing knowledge. Collaborating. Finding the wavelengths that we both ride and riding them for as long as we can together. In these connections, I feel that I have a voice. That I can be heard. Where I can listen and be myself and speak my truth.
I've spent the majority of the last 6 years, possibly even my entire life, doing my personal work so that I can know my truth. Where I can have a voice, so that I can be heard. Allowing myself to accept the stories of my past (I'm the bratty little sister, divorced ex-wife, disgruntled Microsoft employee, unsettled yoga instructor, etc...) creates space. Space for me to connect to what my truth is and be able to announce it to the world. This space has increased my creativity, my love for the work that I do, and has brought an amazing tribe into my life. Acknowledging my authenticity and wrapping it around me as if it were the coziest, oldest, most warn-in sweatshirt in my closet has given me a sense of confidence that I never could have imagined. But as I sit here without a voice, I feel the warmest layer of my being unraveling. My voice, the way I communicate with efficiency and effectiveness, has been stripped from me with no warning, or reason, or idea of when it will return. The biggest tool in my toolbox that I use each and every day to communicate to those that I love, to share what's inspiring me, to guide them to be in their bodies and to accept where they are. And I sit here bummed out. I found myself walking around the neighborhood earlier today avoiding connection as it seems impossible for me to start from nothing. I'm feeling as though I'm locked inside my vibration-less body, without the means to communicate.
What a strange feeling to have...especially as I type this with fully functioning fingers, a clear mind, and ears that are grooving to the latest mix on my stream in Soundcloud. I guess it just feels like all the work that I've done is being ripped up from the earth and making me think of things in a completely different way. If I had been able to teach the 8 classes in the latter part of the week that I was supposed to, would I feel it necessary to sit and write - something that I'm equally as passionate about, but rarely spend quality time on - on a beautiful Friday evening? Would I have spent so much time in the coffee shop down the street reading and being inspired to manifest what my deepest desire in life is? Probably not, on both accounts. It still sucks to not have a voice and to not be heard, literally, however I know deep down inside that my work isn't done, it is just showing up differently, reminding me to shift, grow, and shine no matter what.
I am on the journey to create joy and live with full happiness. And my wish for you is to do the same!
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