I'm reading a book right now that is called "Uncertainty" by Jonathan Fields. It talks about "turning fear and doubt into fuel for brilliance." Which is Awesome! While reading through the first 60 pages, I've come to realize that I currently respond to the fear of failure with an optimistic attitude. This wasn't always the case. Now, don't get me wrong, I've failed many times in my life, but I definitely had to learn how to fail.
Growing up, I was an expert at knowing what my parents and teachers wanted to hear, and would willfully regurgitate anything to meet their expectations. In college, I learned how to memorize content, just to recite it for exams. Needless to say, I didn't really learn much, other than how to cram effectively the night before. I didn't want to stand out. I didn't want to exceed. And I certainly didn't want to fail. So I did enough just to get by.
Learning how to fail was not an overnight epiphany. It has taken me many years to understand that each time something doesn't work out as planned or as I expect it to, just means that something more aligned for me is down river.
One of the first times I truly felt a ping of failure was after a year of trying to make Yoga UniQue (a collaboration between me, a DJ friend, and a big time night club) work, and no one showed up. It had its hay day, people were energized by it, but after a while, the Universe was giving me permission to move on. In hindsight, the messages were clear, but the devastation of not feeling supported in something that I worked so hard for, was heartbreaking. This event wasn't moving me towards my higher purpose and I got to clear space for myself to move in that direction. I didn't see it as the end all, be all. I tried my freaking hardest. Promoted the shit out of it and it wasn't the path that I was supposed to continue down. And I'm okay with that!
In "Uncertainty," Jonathan Fields says that your own creative orientation "is designed not so much by what you're good at, but by what energizes you." YES!!
I am a great yoga teacher. I can hold that space like no ones business. But does it energize me? Does it motivate me to keep creating sequences and showing up to perform in front of large groups of people? Not really. I loved the community, and miss it dearly. But what I've recently come to understand about myself is that I'm a "Space Holder." This energizes me! Being able to ask questions. That may have no answer. To inspire others to create space for themselves. To feel worthy. Loved. Spacious. This is it! I believe this is why the Infinite Health hOMe happened so effortlessly. And why I love collaborating with others who love to teach. Because I get to hold the greater sense of the space open.
So much of the time we feel closed, constricted, claustrophobic in our space, emotions, and bodies that we look for someone, something, some substance to help us open up. Which is sometimes necessary to part the flood gates. However, my passion is to create self sufficiency. When you know what works for you, you can then make these a part of your daily, weekly, and yearly rituals.
My process of learning how to fail has come from a deep understanding and trust that I am always on the right path, no matter how twisty it might get. I understand what works for me. And I allow that to change, sometimes constantly. Right now, my rituals are waking up without an alarm (when I can), drinking hot water with lemon, making a morning smoothie, and eating lunch with my sweetie. These shift and change, but I trust that I can always come back to an iteration of them whenever I want. These rituals will always bring me back to me where I gain momentum in the right direction. In those moments, I fuel my brilliance. I am compassionate. And I'm inspired to keep trying.
I am on the journey to create joy and live with full happiness. And my wish for you is to do the same!
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